On not being a teacher.

After 19 years in public education, I went on leave in January and resigned in April. It has been 8 months and two weeks since I was in a classroom teaching. It has been four months since I started my instructional design and eLearning development business. I have been employed by a non-profit for a month.

A number of things have changed for the better.

I now take care of my body.

I can’t explain to you the relief of going to the bathroom when you need to go to the bathroom. I don’t mean, “I’m in a meeting and so I have to hold it for 15 minutes.” I mean, “I’ve been teaching for four hours and I could either use the bathroom or sit down for 15 minutes so I might pick sitting down and wait until the end of 8th period to go to the bathroom.” I just go when I want. It’s crazy.

I eat healthier. I eat MEALS for breakfast and lunch. I sit at my table with my wife and enjoy a bit of conversation. I may or may not give my sweet pups a few scraps from the table. But I think of eating as a moment to enjoy delicious food and good company. And don’t even get me started on the money I have saved by not being 100 yards from a Starbucks.

I exercise regularly. I love exercising in the morning, and when I had to be at school by 7:15, it made it nearly impossible. Now I go to the gym at 6:30 or 7 and get in 90 solid minutes of weight lifting multiple times per week. I’m progressing in my programming and building relationships with my gym friends. I get stronger with every training session.

I am mentally healthy.

I used to wake up each morning with my heart pounding. I used to go to bed every night thinking about waking up the next morning with my heart pounding. I used to take kids’ trauma in and hold it for them to try to provide a little bit of relief. That secondary trauma weighed on my heart and my mind and I was constantly worried about my kiddos. With a history of anxiety and depression, not all of this is teaching related. But now, while I have a few students that I still worry about, leaving in the middle of the year made me realize that my students didn’t need me in the ways I thought they did. Kids are resilient. They shouldn’t have to hold their own trauma because they shouldn’t experience trauma. But they do, so they hold it. And, for the most part, they hold it and find ways to enjoy being kids. I was taking on their stress to the point where I couldn’t enjoy being an adult. Now I am able to view their trauma from a distance without being consumed by it.

I also just have less to do. I don’t have parent phone calls. I don’t have grading. I don’t have sporting events to sponsor. I don’t have dances to chaperone. So I can do what I need to do during my working hours, and then put it away until the next day. It’s like my whole job is a planning period! I can breathe easy at the end of each day knowing that my project will still be there tomorrow, and I don’t need to spend the night redoing it to make it even better. So my stress is less and I can do a better job meeting my professional obligations.

I have time to do the things I enjoy.

My wife has been frustrated for 8 years that our lives were dictated by the Denver Public Schools calendar and the North High School schedule. Couple that with my utter exhaustion at the end of each day, and we never DID anything. They would be at home all day working, and look forward to me coming home to be a partner. I would be at school all day and come home utterly drained, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Now we have multiple evenings a week to connect. We go to art workshops on school nights. We go to the late show of their favorite comedian when the early show is sold out because they know I won’t fall asleep. We go out TWO nights some weekends. Turns out we like each other a lot better when we are sharing experiences outside of the TV and our phones.

I have read 15 books already this year. FIFTEEN! That is all.

I have been a member of Highlands Church (not that kind of church) for almost 10 years. I’ve volunteered here and there and flaked on a number of events. With the additional time in my life, I am able to actually make and follow through on commitments. I led a class for what we are calling the “young at heart” members of our church – folx in their 20s, 30s, and 40s who crave connection. I led a book club. And now I’m on the leadership council. I wouldn’t have had time for any of that before. And it hurt my heart. I am spiritually fulfilled and feel like I belong in our community because I have the time to invest in that growth.

And it’s not all sunshine and rainbows.

I miss my kids.

I don’t know why or how, but at some point I figured out how to speak the language of teenagers fluently. I love the ones that drive their parents crazy. I love the ones that drive ME crazy. And they’re funny. I don’t have hilarious stories to tell when I get home from work. I don’t have the daily banter with my student assistants. I don’t get the hugs and little notes and deep conversations that sustained me during the most challenging times of teaching. So I miss my kids.

I’m a little lonely.

I interact with my wife all day every day. Don’t get me wrong, they are GREAT company. And no one can be everything to anyone. I miss thought provoking conversations with my colleagues. I miss calling parents to tell them how wonderfully their students are doing. I have wonderful new colleagues who I am getting to know, and that just doesn’t happen as organically over zoom.

There is one change on which the jury is out. I can’t figure out if it is a good thing or bad thing. Maybe it’s both.

The pace of work is slow.

Working in schools means nearly every interaction you have results in an urgent (or at least time sensitive) next step. Sometimes there are real emergencies (a student has a seizure in your classroom). Sometimes they just seem like emergencies (15 of your students are tardy coming back from lunch and you need to email the dean all their names immediately). People respond to emails within minutes. Projects seem imperative to our students’ futures. You are “on” every day all day. Every move we make is intentionally tied to giving our students the best education possible (even if the moves don’t always work). In the self-employed and non-profit worlds, things (at least so far) move much slower. I’ve been assured they will speed up, and in the meantime, I’m getting used to this change of pace.

The big thesis.

Overall the move to leave education, at least for now, was the right one for me. My quality of life is immensely better and I’m getting to throw myself deeply into something besides school. I’m excited to see where this new road takes me.